SEPARATION ANXIETY

EZRA 18TH AUGUST 2016

Since Ezra was a very young baby we've both had to get used to having to spend some time apart sometimes, whether it's because Ezra is with his Dad or because I'm in uni, it's been this way since he was a few weeks old. It's understandably been very difficult for me as I'm aware my baby is not with me and miss him terribly, but Ezra has always handled it very well. I've never had any upset when he's left me and I've always thought this was because we started it so young that he is used to it! Luckily for me, we don't spend many nights apart - 4 nights in 5 weeks he spends with his Dad so it's not too disruptive to his routine and confusing to him that he is back and forth between us so much. I regularly joke to family and friends that I could walk down the street and hand Ezra over to the first person I come across and he would be quite happy to go with them! 

For the past week, I've noticed a huge change in Ezra! He will cry if I leave the room and won't stop until I come back, he is waking around 2/3am every night crying his little heart out & won't calm down unless I pick him up, he won't even go down for a nap if I'm not in the room - it's a total change of character for him! I'm finding the nights the hardest as from 6 months old I began sleep training Ezra and he's slept 12 hours since. We were co-sleeping from 3 months old but once he hit 6 months I was more of a disturbance to him at night than a comfort and on the advice of my health visitor, I cut out the night feeds and moved him into his own room. He was still having 2-3 bottles through the night so I firstly stopped these, much to Ezra's dismay, after 3 nights of screaming and no sleep for either of us, he adjusted! Once he had realised he wouldn't get milk through the night if he woke - he stopped waking for it and began sleeping through. I then moved him into a cot in his own room, and once again after 3 nights of me being up & down the landing all night he adjusted very quickly! In two weeks since I'd began sleep training, he was now sleeping through the night - I did have to use the ferber method on occasions to try and teach him to self-soothe, but we got there in the end! I was over the moon, I would put Ezra to bed at 6:30 and I wouldn't hear a peep out of him until 7am the next day! My partner, Lloyd, began to stay over sometimes at this point as Ezra was now out of my bed and sleeping soundly all night. 

The past week this has all changed and Ezra is now getting us up early hours to have a crying meltdown! Lloyd doesn't stay over every night but he does sometimes and I of course can't bring him into bed with us - he's 6ft 4 and built like a brick shithouse & my bed is a double bed haha! - so in order to calm him down I've been climbing into his cot with him to soothe him. If he sees me leave the room he will play hell, I have to stay with him until he falls asleep which is obviously taking a huge step back as I've taught him to self-soothe and now he's beginning to need me to fall asleep again. I don't want to do the ferber method again when Lloyd is over because he gets up to leave for work at 6:30 and I'd feel so guilty leaving Ezra to cry early hours of the morning. I also feel terrible for Ezra knowing he's going through a bit of separation anxiety and needs comfort and I'm just leaving him to cry! I've talked to my health visitor about it and she's said he's at an age now where he's noticing everything & is aware mum has left the room & they can often go through a clingy phase at this time. He's been so unlike himself this week he didn't even like that she picked him up and was whinging and reaching out for me - he's never done that with anyone before! 

So, my issue now is how I tackle this in the best way? I pulled Ezra out of nursery today & tomorrow to spend some time with him because I'm going on placement next week and I'll be leaving early to get to Newport & coming home quite late so we won't get any quality time together. We were also up from 2-5 last night so we were both absolutely exhausted this morning and needed to catch up on sleep! My thoughts is to just comfort him as much as I can and hope that this is another phase he will just grow out of. I don't think I can leave him to cry and take a more firm approach, as he gets himself in a serious state in the night - it's as if he wakes up and panics that he's on his own! As exhausting as it is, a part of me loves that my boy needs me so much and seeing the relief and calm wash over his face when I snuggle him into me when he's upset.

It's difficult feeling like we've taken a step back as far as our sleeping routine goes, but I suppose it's just a testament to how strong and unbreakable the bond between myself & my beautiful boy is! 

Amber xo

TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN

I don't think anyone truly realises how fast time goes until they have children. The amount of times I shrugged it off when I was hearing once again during my pregnancy how fast the time goes, how quickly they grow up, how you should treasure every moment - even the sleepless nights - because you wake up one day and they're not babies anymore! Well bloody hell were they right. 

EZRA 1 HOUR OLD

 In 4 days my baby will be 9 months old and I quite literally cannot fathom where the past 9 months have gone and how on earth my little 8lb 4 & a half newborn has turned into this handsome, funny, crawling little monkey. I will admit I am one of those mothers that gets emotional at the next milestone & the thought of his 1st birthday lurking in 3 months makes me feel quite sick! Ezra crawled for the first time just over a week ago and my reaction was to firstly shreak in delight at how clever and amazing this baby I had created was, to then feel as though I wanted to burst into tears that yes, we had once again reached another super exciting milestone and another reminder that my baby was growing up! I truly hope this is just 'first baby problems' because I can't cope with having this ache in my womb when I have more babies that I get every time Ezra learns something new and another month passes and I see my baby growing up into a little boy. My hormones are clearly all over the place and I definitely need to pull myself together & get out of this 'broody' phase which I'm sure will make an exit pretty quickly once we hit the terrible twos! I just love being a mother, it's something I'd never given too much thought about before and never something I thought was 'me.' I had in fact always said I wasn't bothered about having children when I was younger, I was never the one to coo over a baby in the pram or be desperate to hold the new baby in the family - I had just thought I wasn't very maternal. Now that I am a mother and I have my beautiful son, it is the best title and role that I will ever have in my life. It has changed me as a person for the better; my perspective on the world is different, my capability to love and of course my patience! I loved being pregnant, and although it was horrendous at the time, for some strange reason I can't wait to get to experience giving birth again - I felt like superwoman afterwards and the rush of love and hormones that are coursing through your body I'd just never felt anything like it. 

CHRISTMAS EVE 2015

EZRA 6 WEEKS OLD

I suppose I'm yearning for the early days when Ezra was teeny, tiny, rather than bursting to have another as the sleepless nights are not something I'm eager to return to in a hurry! My partner is turning 30 in a couple of weeks so we joke regularly that his 'biological clock' is ticking. He can't wait to have children & I think being around Ezra and spending so much time with him has completely opened up his eyes to being a parent! He sees the food up the wall, the poo explosions, the 3am wake up calls when teething strikes, then the 6:30 wake up call and we're up for the day, me losing the plot because I have a pile of washing and ironing up to the ceiling, the house is a tip, Ezra's whinging and I haven't washed my hair for a few days (he's seriously a saint) - like I tell him regularly, Ezra is the best contraception I've ever had, never will I miss a depo injection haha! - but he also sees the moments of pure love and adoration between me & Ezra, the cuddles first thing in the morning, the 'milestones' that he's gotten to be there for, and the smiles and giggles and I know he can't wait to expand our little family one day & I truly look forward to sharing that with him in the future. But for right now, we're enjoying every moment with Ezra (with me quietly blubbering in the background) and although it's hard seeing your baby grow up, it's amazing too and I can't wait for the many milestones we have ahead of us. You will forever be my baby, Ezra James.

Amber xo 

MY BABY NOW